This post was originally posted on my publication, Simple Faithful Motherhood, on Substack.

Dear Sam,

Welcome to motherhood.

You’re probably feeling all kinds of miserable. That’s not because of your lack, but simply because this. is. hard. I won’t sugarcoat it for you, and I know this is a real gritty way to start a letter that’s meant to be encouraging, but hear me out.

There’s no denying that this is the hardest thing you’ll ever do in your life, for the rest of your life. You’re not being dramatic, you’re not crazy, you’re not lousy at this mothering gig. Becoming a mother, especially for the very first time, is some holy level of hard (and I’m not using the word “holy” just to curse).

In case you’re still in the fog of days freshly postpartum, just struggling to recover physically, you might be wondering, what exactly is hard?

So let me break it down for you, but in the most loving and gentle way I can:

Feeding

Breastfeeding is a complicated matter, and there’s so much messaging out there to persuade you that breastmilk is best. Scientifically speaking, it is. But take the facts and not the guilt.

You’re going to want to quit, many many times, but you’re also going to try so hard. When you finally do quit, just know that every ounce you gave your baby mattered. It was never too little.

Sleep

Your sleep (and your husband’s) is going to be so broken up that you might as well not have slept at all. Baby is going to wake up crying for all sorts of reasons, all day and night, and you’re trying your best to figure out what he needs. Is it a soiled diaper? Is he hungry, again? Is he too cold? Too hot?

Between pump and feed schedules, wake windows, and getting anything else done, you’ll soon find you’re living in three-hour intervals. Hang in there. It’s gonna be a while, but it’ll get better.

Anxiety

Tensing up over visitors’ grabby hands bringing germs, and feeling like a prick for asking them to please wash their hands. Waking up to check if baby’s still breathing. Worrying about suffocation hazards in the cot. Making sure baby gets enough tummy time during the day. Worrying if contact napping is going to be a poor sleep association (spoiler: it’s not). Blundering out of the house with baby for the very first time.

And then there are the external pressures — filtering the stream of advice from friends and family, and then filtering some more that you’ve seen scrolling through social media. Fielding out-of-place comments from the in-laws. Stressing over that customary full-month party we Asians feel pressured to hold, with nothing beneficial about it except it lets the grands show off baby like a trophy to relatives we haven’t even heard from in years.

No, you’re not tripping. Yes, all of this added up is quite overwhelming. Trim any excess that doesn’t serve you or your family. It’s not selfish for you to prioritize your baby’s safety and your mental health.

Marriage

There’ll be triggers and landmines you never knew existed, and while you guys never really argued much prior to baby’s arrival, suddenly you find yourselves arguing over the smallest things.

“This milk is too hot.”

“You have to swaddle tighter.”

Everything you talk about revolves around logistics now. You’re going to have to learn how to be a team with your husband and stay on the same side, even though there are going to be so many differences in opinions concerning how to do this and that for your baby. And sometimes, when you’re up in the wee and quiet hours, you’re going to glare murderously across the bed at your blissfully sleeping husband. You’ll next shake the murderous thought from your head because you don’t want to end up in jail. Baby needs his mother (I joke, I joke).

While I’m feeling goofy, allow me to throw in a postpartum pic for good measure. Can’t remember why I snapped it, maybe I was feeling particularly accomplished for getting out of the house with my baby to go for a walk round the neighborhood. Or maybe I was amused at my postpartum hair. It was wild for a while!

So today, if all you did was simply survive, then bless your tired beautiful heart — that was enough. And it’s hard because you know this matters. The degree of how hard it feels is the extent of just how much you care. That alone, mama, is holy, sacrificial love.

And here’s praying you get a little more sleep (even if it’s just five minutes), to snuggle longer than the textbook says, to rock your baby to sleep (not a sleep prop in my opnion), and for the kindest most understanding people to send practical help your way.

DID YOU FIND THIS HELPFUL?

If you would like to share this post on your social media (thank you!), feel free to use these images below: