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Early motherhood has a way of shrinking our world and amplifying the noise.

Suddenly, everything feels measured, compared, commented on. From how our babies eat and sleep, to how we parent, cope, and show up day after day. Even when advice is well-meaning, it can leave us feeling unsettled and quietly doubting ourselves.

That’s why I’m really grateful to be sharing today’s guest post with you.

My friend Corina (@tinyhoomans_sg) writes honestly and generously about five simple but powerful reframes that helped her navigate the early years of motherhood with a little more clarity and kindness towards herself. This is not a “do this better” kind of piece. It’s a gentle invitation to pause, breathe, and look at familiar struggles through a different lens.

If you’re in a season where comparison feels loud, your mental load feels heavy, or you’re just trying to stay afloat while figuring out who you are now, I hope you’ll find refreshment and encouragement from her writing — do enjoy!

Image credit: Fizkes/Getty Images via Canva.com

“What percentile is your child in?”

At a mere 30 days of existence, my child has been pulled (unwittingly) into the sticky web of comparison. And this is just the beginning.

Is she eating yet? Oh, why not? My so-and-so started at 5 months!

Wah, the hair so long! Why never shave botak? You see, she shaved already, that’s why her hair now so nice!

She’s not in school? Faster put! Then she can learn more and make friends! If not she will lose out.

The list just goes on and on and on. I would be a millionaire billionaire by now if I could convert all these comments into money.

The sad reality is that, the second us women begin our journey into motherhood, more often than not, we will doubt ourselves at some point (especially with all the unsought advice that others give).

But the moment that we can step back, breathe and take a look at the bigger picture - that’s when we start to feel better about ourselves. And that’s what I’m writing about today - reframing.

Reframing — to frame or express (words or a concept or plan) differently

And that’s all there is to reframing. Simple right? But yet, it is so so hard to do. It is an acquired skill, and to be honest, and I’m still struggling with this, even in my 9th year of motherhood..

I was introduced to this concept only when my firstborn was about 4 years old. It was a visual that really stuck in my mind. I tried to apply it in many different areas of my life (when I was calm enough to remember) and I realised that it did help lighten my mental load if my reframing succeeded.

So, here I am, sharing with you the five most important ones that I feel are most helpful for fellow mamas.

1. You do not have to please everyone.

This is SOOOOOO important, but every first-time mum gets stressed out over this. You just gave birth, you’re tired, you’re overwhelmed, and maybe even more overstimulated than your baby. But everyone just swarms in with (sometimes well-meaning, albeit unsolicited) advice/comments which you have to entertain in that frazzled state.

Then as your baby grows up developmentally and physically, even more comments and advice will come in! You STILL have to smile, nod and make mental notes. And at a certain point in time, you start to feel doubt creeping in. Doubt over whether you are doing this right, if you are being a good mum, is this enough for baby, etc etc. The list is never-ending - don’t we all mums know it.

This unnecessary added stress comes from everyone - from your nearest and dearest, to the auntie you meet on public transport. But you know what?

Let them be.

Your child will always be too slow, too skinny, too chubby, too rowdy, too quiet, too tall, too short, too young to be going to school, too old to not be going to school…. There will always be a comment from somebody. (By the way, it doesn’t stop even if your child is a tween/teen/adult...) And as we mums get peppered with all these, we gradually feel inadequate, be it consciously or unconsciously.

So let’s reframe this. Instead of,

“I’m not good enough, that’s why everyone has something to say about me and my child. Maybe I’m really doing something wrong, just like what others are saying.”

Think about,

“I have my own parenting methods, and I know what’s best for my child, because I know my child best.”

Yes, it’s true! Especially for Stay-At-Home-Mums, we get exclusive front-row seats to the incessant remarks that come flying our way like a home run. Stick to your Mama Gut, because you have VIP passes to your child’s growth and you definitely know him/her best.

So, when anybody comes up to you with something to say, just smile and nod. Or if it’s possible, you could also thank them for their advice, but gently let them know that you are doing what’s best/right for your child.

2. Every child has their own pace.

You know that developmental checklist that is in each Health Booklet? Then, do you know the invisible developmental checklist that exists in the minds of older folks? Yup, that’s the one that gets me all riled up.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s lots to learn from our elders. They have had lots of experience in life and there’s usually something to take away from conversations with them. It’s just that sometimes, their information is a little outdated. Well, there’s so much more research and science that is easily accessible, and the way we parent (especially our generation) has definitely changed.

The usual things we hear sound like,

Not eating solids yet? Aiya 4 months can eat already!

Still on diapers ah? Last time I potty train my son when he was 2 years old.

How old is he? Oh, 1 already ah! Still cannot walk?

Teach her how to write! She’s turning 3! She must know her ABC and 123 also!

Sigh. Just typing that out makes my heart drop. Ahhh, the wisdom (self-proclaimed, haha) I wish I had back then when I was a first-time mom…

Well, before you start worrying about why your child is not catching up with his/her peers, let’s reframe this:

“Why is my child not doing things his/her peers are doing? Am I not helping/encouraging development? Do I need to get him/her checked at the doctor?”

and remember this instead:

“Let your child lead the way. It’s not about you and what you have or haven’t done, but how ready your child is.”

Milestones and Developmental Checklists are expectations that everyone has for every child. But every child is born different. Each child has their own temperament, method of learning, likes and dislikes, so why are we forcing everyone to be exactly the same at the same time? It will ALWAYS be a comparison game to outsiders, so calm yourself down and tune the noises out.

My firstborn talked before he walked. My second child started standing at 7 months and scared the hell out of us. My youngest… walked and spoke much later than her siblings, but now she runs the fastest and talks the most at this age…

*Disclaimer: I am always supportive of bringing our kids to health institutions to get them checked by medical professionals if we sense that something is not right. What I’m referring to here is the development of neuro-typical, healthy and fit children, with no known neurological, psychological or physical issues.

3. T-A-N-T-R-U-M-S are not taboo.

Ahhhh.. Tantrums. The one thing that drives everyone’s anxiety levels from 0 to 200 faster than a Ferrari with the highest horsepower. It happens so suddenly, so swiftly, that mums are forced to react faster than a Ninja. The older generation will try 1001 ways to stop the wailing with all the tricks from their ‘manual’, which includes distracting, scolding and *gasp* even gaslighting. Yep, if you grew up in an Asian household, you would more or less have been through this in your childhood. It’s not our parents’ fault though; it’s just the way they were raised.

But when it comes to our generation, the world is our oyster. Google is our best friend, ChatGPT is our neighbour and NLB is our mentor. We breathe in parenting book after parenting book like air, listen to parenting podcasts wherever we are, enrol ourselves in online/offline parenting courses and get confused with all the different schools of thoughts. Back in the day, there were only four kinds of parenting - Authoritarian, Permissive, Authoritative and Uninvolved. Now? Add in Positive, Gentle, Attachment, “Free-Range” and so on.

Me? I pick and choose qualities and values that I feel are important from the different parenting types. I can’t deny the Asian blood in me, which wants to enforce resilience, grit, filial piety, respect.. Basically all the values that Asian families live by. But at the same time, I want to be able to let go of the helicopter/tiger-mom approach and have that camaraderie with my kids. In the end, I guess what I’m going for is a balance between discipline and affection - to show them that they have rules to follow, but that I’m still open-minded enough to talk about anything with them.

And so, (yes i’m finally getting to my point about tantrums ha!) I feel that tantrums are a way of communicating. Annoying? Maybe. Essential? Some of them could have been prevented/avoided.

But let’s reframe this and immediately see the magic happen. Instead of,

“My child throws tantrums all the time. Why can’t he/she behave himself/himself?”

Let’s reframe it into:

“My child is throwing a tantrum. He/she needs me right now.”

And it’s true. When a tantrum happens, there is always an underlying need that has not been met. It could be as simple as being unable to locate a toy, being hungry/tired, frustrated over the need to be independent vs getting it done themselves…

The key thing here with regards to tantrums, is that they are normal for every baby/toddler/kid. It is their way of expressing themselves, and all the screaming and crying comes from not being able to verbalise/control their emotions! They are not to be blamed for this though - they’re still really young and they just do not have it in them to process and control their impulses yet. In case you didn’t know, our prefrontal cortex (the part of your brain that controls emotions and impulsive behaviour) only matures when we are about 25 years old…. Yep, just putting it out there… (anybody you know flashing in your mind now? HAH)

When any of my kids are having a tantrum/meltdown, the first thing I do is to carry them away from the trigger/situation. Out of sight, out of mind - or at least, it’s easier for them to calm down when they are away from what triggered them, or the extra noise of others chiming in to ‘help’. I put them down, hold onto their hands and legs if they are physically violent and try to connect with them by holding eye contact. I let them know that I’m here for them and I want to help them. I validate their feelings and set boundaries - they can let it all out, but without the kicking/hitting/scratching. And after they’re done, I try to get them to talk to me about it so that I can help them process their feelings and understand the situation together.

After becoming a mum, whenever I hear a child throwing a tantrum, I instinctively turn my head to find them. My intention isn’t to judge; instead I’m trying to find the caretaker to give them a friendly smile. I want to let them know that we understand and that it’s okay for the child to be having that tantrum. And more often than not, I catch myself smiling as I hear the reasons for the tantrums! So trivial to us, but it means the whole world to our children.

Let’s be kind to each other, after all, we are all in this motherhood-ship together. We all know what it feels like. Been there, done that, amirite?

4. Motherhood is not meant to be selfless.

Whoever said that you MUST prioritise your kids before yourself, ignore them - especially if you’re a SAHM.. Let me explain.

Imagine a typical school day. You wake up in the morning before your children, rush through your chores so that everything is ready for everyone when they get up. And when they do get up, you can hardly catch your breath as you run back and forth between breakfast duty and helping them with their teeth/clothes/hair/vitamins….

Then it’s time to shoo everyone out the door, trying not to miss the bus/mrt or to avoid a traffic jam. You have to ensure the windows are closed, switches are off, the house is locked and everyone has remembered to take what they need.

You drop them off at school, and you make your way home. Then it’s time for more chores - cleaning, preparing for lunch, preparing for afternoon revision…. And before you know it, it’s time to head out to fetch your children home.

The day goes on with you flitting around, trying to ensure everyone’s day is on track. And this goes on, all the way until your children go to sleep.

This is crazy.

The mental load? Even crazier.

Can you do this 24/7, 365 days a year? For another decade or so? Without burning out?

This is such an important reframe. Let’s change the narrative from this,

“I need to take care of everyone’s needs before I can take time for myself. It’s just my duty as a mom.”

to this,

“I can take better care of everyone IF I take good care of myself first.”

If you start the day with an empty cup, and you’re running around all the time, your mood degenerates easily. This affects your attitude and in turn, it affects how you take care of everyone at home. You get triggered more easily, your fatigue may lead to mistakes/injuries and your relationship with your children may get strained over time.

Think about a day when you are up and running the house immediately like a busy bumblebee, multitasking with hands and mind, and your child is up. But he/she has trouble finding a sock. You instantly feel a flicker of irritation because you have so many things on your plate right now, and your child comes to you with such a trivial matter. You snap, maybe even gaslight, and your child’s morning is also ruined.

Now think about another day when you had time to do something for yourself. It could be a massage, a day out alone, a peaceful morning with coffee and your favourite breakfast or even a simple workout that you enjoy. All these happy moments trigger endorphins, which makes youl feel happier! You will be able to face what’s next with a sunnier disposition than before. And that lost sock that irritated you? I’m sure you will be more than happy to find the sock together, or laugh and make up some fun with it.

In our kids’ eyes, us mums may look like superheroes to them. But always remember, we are humans too.

5. I am not just a mum

Hands up all of you who feel your identity eroding as the wave of motherhood ebbs by.

I remember very clearly that I could feel myself being chipped away bit by bit as I took on the role of Mama day after day. There was no time for skincare, hobbies, friends - not to mention sleep! Time was no longer hours and minutes, but before baby's tummy time, after baby's poop, during baby's sleep and so on.

I didn’t feel like myself and my babies had digestion/gastric issues or they were catnappers, so we were strapped together pretty much the first few months by the baby carrier. Even till now, I joke that my youngest and I are a pair. She’s my shadow, so wherever I go, she goes.

It can get tiring to lose yourself in this new experience, and it can get confusing trying to remember who you were before you became a mom.

But let’s try to reframe this,

“I have to always be with my kids. My life revolves around them and I can hardly find time for myself.”

to this,

“By showing my kids who I am as a person, they know that I’m not just their mother. They will also know me for who I am.”

You’ve spent a few decades shaping yourself and deciding who you are. Along the way, there are definitely stories and moments you are proud of. So why not share these with your children?

During infancy, our kids need us the most. But it’s also the time we can get the most rest! Nap together with them, and when they’re up, get them to do some quiet time or self-exploration while you indulge in your hobby for a while. It could just be sitting beside them with a book or writing in your journal. Even turning on your favourite playlist in the background and boogeying along to it is sharing a part of yourself too!

When they become toddlers/preschoolers, you can bring them to your favourite places, introduce them to your favourite foods... You could even get them to join you in your hobbies! They could help with pouring and rolling for baking, holding onto and unravelling your yarn ball for knitting, sit in the child seat while you go cycling, looking for your books in the library or even following along to your workout on the mat!

And when they start going to primary school, they are genuinely curious and interested in real stories/anecdotes from us parents. They’re always asking about what we did in our childhood, if we were like them in school and how we felt about certain similar situations that they’re facing now.

There is always a way to share a part of yourself with them, no matter how small. These little sharings of yourself help them to realise that you are not just their mom, and that you need your own space too. It also helps to set boundaries and shape a healthy relationship where they respect you for who you are.

Holding on to these small pockets of self keeps us from feeling lost and overwhelmed. It is important to remember who we are, not just for ourselves, but also for our kids. You don’t have to be the perfect mom - your kids will resonate with you more if you show them both your peace and chaos.

My third and youngest loves Bluey. I wished I knew about Bluey when I had my firstborn. It would have been a better introduction to screentime than funny dog videos (We were on a trip in Tasmania, and it was his first time in a car seat, AND it was a 2hour ride). If you haven’t heard of Bluey, it is one of the most wholesome and relatable cartoons, even for us parents.

I remember this episode vividly - ‘It’s a Baby Race”. It was about how Bluey’s mum, Chili, was comparing herself and Bluey to her other mum friends and their babies. My kids absolutely loved the bumshuffling that Bluey did. They guffawed at the screen, and there was LOTS of bumshuffling at home for the next few days. For me though, it was this scene that stuck - Chili was talking to one of her mom friends and worrying about Bluey’s developmental timeline because she wasn’t walking like her peers. And you know what her friend told her?

‘You’re doing great.’

Wow. As a mum, how often do we hear that? I count myself lucky to have a BFF who somehow reminds me of this, especially when I need to hear it.

That was a loooong post, hah! Thank you for reading my thoughts about motherhood. I hope that it brings comfort and solidarity for some of you who read this. You’re not alone, okay?

And to all my fellow mamas out there,

You’re doing great.

I’m so thankful to Corina for sharing this so openly.

If you’ve ever felt seen while reading a post, this might be one of those moments. Not because everything suddenly feels easy, but because someone else has named what you’ve been carrying quietly.

Motherhood asks so much of us, especially in the early years. And sometimes the most meaningful shifts don’t come from changing our circumstances, but from changing the way we speak to ourselves within them.

If this post encouraged you, I’d love for you to sit with it for a moment before rushing on to the next thing. Maybe even share it with another mum who could use the reminder that she’s not alone, and that she’s doing better than she thinks.

You really are.

About today’s guest writer:

You can find Corina over at www.tinyhoomans.com or over on Instagram @tinyhoomans_sg. Based in Singapore, she’s a super mum of three and I’m so privileged to consider her my real-life friend after we met online… on Instagram (it’s possible, folks).

Over at Tiny Hoomans, she sells lovely toys and gift sets for little ones and hosts bub-friendly playdates and workshops that would fill a mama’s cup.