This post may contain affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission—at no extra cost to you—if you make a purchase through them. I only recommend what I truly love and believe will bless your home or motherhood journey.

The Bedtime Question That Surprised Me

Last night, when the house was quiet, and the lights in his room were dimmed, my three-year-old son and I started chit chatting. Eventually we got round to talking about some things he did yesterday that were not right – speaking unkindly, and throwing objects in anger. Suddenly, my son looked up at me and asked:

“Mama, why am I naughty?”

I paused to think of an answer. I sensed this was a golden opportunity for a teaching moment. This was an unusual question for him, as he usually doesn’t get so reflective, and often likes to gloss over “debriefs” of his mistakes or misbehaviour.

“Hmm…” I replied, buying myself a few seconds while my mind searched for an answer. What should I say? What is the best response in this teaching moment?

Option 1: The Gentle Parenting Script

I could have said, “Darling, you’re not naughty. You’re just struggling to behave.”

That would have followed the advice I’ve seen in books and parenting posts. These experts warn parents not to call children “naughty” because it labels identity harshly rather than addressing behaviour gently.

“Children aren’t inherently naughty,” they say. “They’re just doing the best they can with their immature brains.”

Others argue that calling kids naughty shames them and damages their sense of worth, and perhaps even damages the parent-child relationship.

Some even dig into semantics, suggesting parents replace “You are naughty” with “You did something naughty.”

I see the wisdom here. Words do matter. And it’d be wise as a parent to avoid shaming my child, and choosing words that build up, not tear down.

But if I stopped there, something would still be missing.

Option 2: The Tough Love Response

Another answer I could have given: “Aha! Finally, you’re willing to admit that you are indeed naughty.”

This sits well with the Asian culture I’ve been raised in, where blunt honesty is seen as love, and discipline is often direct. It reflects the tough love approach. Tell it like it is, don’t coddle our children, and keep kids on the straight path.

There’s wisdom in this too – his wrongdoings are real. Misbehaviour should be corrected.

But if all I give my son is only blunt honesty, I risk weighing him down with shame and leaving him with no hope for change.

Both approaches hold truths, but they’re still only partial truths.

“Gentle parenting affirms worth, but can forget to address sin. The tough love approach names sin, but can forget grace.”

Gentle parenting affirms worth, but can forget to address sin. The tough love approach names sin, but can forget grace.

Neither actually explains why my son struggles with being “naughty,” Neither points him to the bigger story of who he is, who God is, and what God has done about our naughtiness (sin).

When my little boy asked, “Mama, why am I naughty?” He needed a truthful yet hopeful response. I knew that response is found in the gospel.

In the moment, surprised yet heartened by his question, I finally responded:

“You feel like you want to do the things you should do but you always somehow end up doing the naughty things instead, right? That’s called sin. In your heart, and also in Mama’s and Papa’s heart, we all have sin. We can’t cure ourselves from sin. We can’t save ourselves from it. That’s why we need Jesus, because only Jesus can help us with our sin.”

If this sounds too abstract for your little one, mama, I get it. Because here’s where I also started to fumble with my response. I wanted to go on and explain more of the gospel, but it was proving a challenge to distill my understanding of the gospel into something my three-year-old can understand. I’m learning to practice here. And I’m believing that despite my imperfect words, I sowed a tiny seed in faith.

Our Children Need a Gospel Response

As I write, it’s the next day, and I’ve had time to think through a better response. What I could have said was something more like:

“Yes, sometimes you do naughty things. Mama does too. Papa does too. That’s called sin, which means doing wrong things. The Bible says that everyone sins. We all do wrong things because our hearts are not perfect. But the good news is that Jesus loves us so much that He came to forgive our sins. He helps us say sorry, and He helps us grow to do what is good. You are loved by me, you are loved by Papa, and you are loved by God.”

A gospel-shaped answer does three crucial things:

Tells the truth, honestly. Even at a tender young age, my son’s mortal battle is sin. Sin is real in his life just as it is real in mine. Romans 3:23 “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”
Includes myself. I’m not standing above him, but beside him, as a fellow sinner in need of grace.
Points to Jesus. My child’s hope is not in trying harder, or in me giving the perfect answer. His hope is in the Saviour who forgives and transforms us. Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

Why This Matters

“The gospel offers the whole picture: Sin is real. But so is grace.”

If I dodge words like “sinful” or “naughty,” I risk teaching my child that sin is not real or not serious. On the other hand, if I lean only on tough love, I risk leaving him stuck in guilt with no rescue.

The gospel offers the whole picture: Sin is real. But so is grace. Teaching the gospel our children can help them bridge both.

So the next time my son asks me a question like this again, I’ll offer him the gospel answer, as best as I can in a way that he can understand. And where my words stumble, I trust the Spirit of God to give understanding even to my little one.

Practical Takeaways

Don’t follow parenting advice without scrutiny. Even the wisest expert advice needs to be weighed against Scripture. What sounds kind or reasonable may still fall short if it ignores our need for a Saviour.
Offer truth and grace. Tell your children the truth about sin, but never without pointing them to the greater truth of God’s forgiveness and help.
Use tender words that guide. Avoid words said in anger and with destructive intent, but don’t sugarcoat your words either. Let your words be the bridges that carry your children toward the gospel.
Include yourself. Let your children know you also need Jesus. Show them that you’re on their side too, not above them, and model what it means to be humble before God.
Keep rehearsing the gospel at home. Every small question, like “Mama, why am I naughty?” is a moment to plant seeds of gospel hope.
Pray over your words. We may fumble with our words. We may not be so eloquent and clear. Speak and teach about Jesus anyway. Trust that the Spirit will water the seeds of the gospel you sow.

A Prayer Before You Go

Lord, give me wisdom as I answer the little and big questions of my child(ren)’s heart. Open my eyes to teaching opportunities even in the seemingly mundane moments of our everyday. Teach me to speak truth without shame, and show grace without compromise. Help me not to lean on my own wisdom or blindly on the voices of experts, but to filter all things through Your Word. May my parenting point my children not to me, because I am imperfect and fallible, but to You, their eternal Saviour and everlasting Friend. Amen.